Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
