You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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