Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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