I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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