Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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