The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
