My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
