My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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