Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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