Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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