Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
