i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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