Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
