Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
