found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
