He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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