Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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