If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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