I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
