How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
