When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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