My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
