My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
