he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize