Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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