I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
