PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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