Old men and throwing up are my life now.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
