I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
