what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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