Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
