I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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