dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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