cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
