You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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