I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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