They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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