Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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