Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
