i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I supernannyed him into submission
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
