not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
