Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize