Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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