She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
