why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
