i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
