It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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