Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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