I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
