Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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