I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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