I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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