I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
