I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
