There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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