I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
