some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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