i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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