Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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